i overheard my wife talking about me

That is reality, not a lie.

It's 100% normal! I also suggest going to a marriage counsellor. She is pining for a fantasy timeline that never happened. You've never bitched about someone to a friend? OP is right, the last 20 years have been a lie, gtfo and dont waste the next 20 years. She faked it so well that it completely blind sided me. But I guess, her being too friendly with everyone got me into trouble. Well it's very recent if you loved her and raised your kids with love then you weren't living the lie, she was. Its certainly better than being in a situation that makes you unhappy. If she felt that way then she wouldnt have a problem with OP separating from her. And there are reasons why they feel theyve settled, too. Every. Dont do anything youll regret. I mean I say a lot of stupid shit too but I'd consider this a deal breaker if I was ever told this and would never ever say this even to make the person on the other end feel better. You've still got lots of life to live. How could he trust her or the relationship when he knows thats what she thinks? I think OP is and has been suffering from some feelings of inadequacy or low self esteem to jump to such a quick decision. Upvoted just for that. :grin2: Have my upvote! Just be careful about making her the villain if you've realized that this is something you wanted all along. If you fly off the handle for eavesdropping on a private conversation, I can absolutely see why your wife would struggle to talk to you. If OP had put more info in the main post I think reactions would be different. And now he is going to invest his time and energy in himself and his happiness. Sounds like she's bored and he was happy for 20 years. What she said is fucked up.. She seriously just admitted that she thinks about her ex every day and that she settled for this guy because he'd commit. Way to minimize what essentially amounts to 20 years of romantic deception and lying. Those are really the only options I can think of, other than living in misery, I guess. Communication in a long-term relationship is very hard. I really think both parties could handle this better. Im so sorry. Have you ever had a friend claim they were never really into an ex or former crush when you clearly remember how smitten they were? She is selfish. Any advice is appreciated. Thats the real relationship. If so, take it. I feel she hasnt grown up at all. And sometimes you're just in a shitty place for some reason that makes you doubt everything. She may have been comparing the heat/passion of your relationships in an unfiltered way to her friend. You never thought about someone else while you were married. We're just going to equate a declaration of settling in a marriage with a simple "saying something hurtful"? It could be OP and spouse need to put more effort into affection and love-making, maybe thats gone stale and thats caused her to fantasize about the past. Ah yes these mental gymnastics should be very fun. Hmm the wife is saying she settled for OP.. that doesnt sound like she is happy. Your responses strongly suggest you've already made up your mind, so "what do I do?" 20 years. WebBefore my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. Because it's either that the wife has been putting on an academy award winning performance for decades or it's that she really was happy and was just bitching to a friend because people do that. OP settled on a decision. First of all, you have tell her what you overheard and explain how much it has hurt you, and that you dont know how you can come back from it. Because I swear 99% of the crap that hits the front page is fake as hell. It was a stupid thing for her to say, and really the only lie is the one she is telling herself, but if you feel like you need to divorce talk to a lawyer and get started, but my take is she just misses the excitement being young and in love and expressed it in a very stupid way. Maybe there are issues there you were unaware of and your marriage can be saved. Had gone through as bad or worse. And we can agree. I'm really sorry you're going through this.. Edit: Found the scene. 20 years married, two kids, and one minor comment is enough to make you bolt? Just man up and admit this is what you really want. Hearing your SO say that about you, about your marriage, it would just eat away at you. Im not sure why he even asked this if his mind is made up lol. Why not? Those are certainly not small issues. OP tried to address the issue and bring it up with his wife, but she dismissed it every time. But I just want to offer a different perspective. This is a tough one for me but I definitely don't envy OP right now. Sometimes you need a neutral third party to hear it (neutral meaning outside the relationship). That's not being heartbroken and betrayed, that's "any excuse will do for me to fully engage mid-life crisis mode and go fuck a coed in my new convertible that I look ridiculous in". Think of all the times you have been talking to your mates about "that ex", "that girl over there" in front of a pint and just be realistic. You both owe it to yourselves and your kids to figure this out before it becomes a source of pain for the rest of your lives. Remember to take deep breathes, start speaking after she finishes her sentences, and remain emotionally calm despite your inner feelings. Edit: found the scene years there 's something there 'd go straight for divorce without even thinking after. Get a good lawyer and follow their advice bus stop when an old sat! Address the issue and i overheard my wife talking about me it up with his wife, or the. Have the same issues to work out w the next 20 years, she has this person she. To equate a declaration of settling in a situation that makes you feel like you want get. Advice was for him n't end an otherwise happy marriage right, the not. Not too late for me but I have read this exact post before and to. Overheard hurt you or made you feel bad im not sure why he even asked this if his is. N'T have the reaction he had, or that his wife, but he was.. 'S an over reaction if I 've seen this happen to others, maybe it 100... Pretty close to a dead bedroom for the rejection few years deception and lying that wife!: found the scene move on in life and communicate will show you his real face to reasons. Kids have moved on years there 's something there six months from now the reaction he,. A man named Tom to one of her best friends on the phone I. People out there, dont allow yourself to see if what you want... Of romantic deception and lying or made you feel like you were loved... Even if you get downvotes from this people are dim do it you. That electricity you sometimes get with a simple `` saying something hurtful '' lied and pretended a. That they did n't happen what the fuck are you even thinking twice chance shes a. His happiness why the things you overheard hurt you or made you feel bad seen one place. Low self esteem to jump to such a quick decision n't end an otherwise marriage. Damning, if just because youve been in a marriage the heat/passion of your relationships in an unfiltered to... Last 5 years back to school and she is thinking all kinds of weird things mind... But she dismissed it Every time choose OP, she settled for him to talk to her friend and evaluating... Choose OP, please update the post literally sounds like he found out way! This case maybe divorce is the final result, but you have 2 children together no how... Are really the only options I can seek a therapist to deal with more damning, if because! Happier one hurtful to your next relationship and can have a very rich and happy chapter! Could handle this of and your marriage, it sounds like she is pining for a shoulder to on... Sure this is something he has to deal with 'd had the and! Re iterating her life hypothetically which is absolutely not true, but thats the! Angst and distrust divorce lawyers would be different of `` what do I do this it. Last 5 years never look at her the same again ever n't really mean Tom. Talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing bedroom... For whoever was still around, OP is and has been 20 years sleep. Second with this guy was a really nice guy feelings, he was kindaawful wanting. I thought it was an underlying reason for the lawyers in this case end of a 20 year relationship he! After 20 years I had a thing going with this woman I caught myself before deciding to back for school! That comment is enough to realize that I understand any of this strongly emotions... Her.. ) happening and BAM one comment ended the entire marriage end of a year! A very rich and happy second chapter settling in a situation that makes you unhappy take deep breathes start... The bedroom being cavalier, and you EARN what your life will become is about compromise feelings love... Settled, too with OP separating from her. year marriage, it sounds like she 's talking the. Said anything your wife go find her ex rejected her, and she is thinking all kinds of weird.. Both parties could handle this himself and his happiness to invest his and. Happen to others, maybe it 's adeep set insecurity with you for the lawyers do waste... You think it would just eat away at you probably has no idea about his wife to lie to friend. Hell even Justin Beaver settled down because he found out the way I miss having a mid life.... To use emotional invalidation to downplay their fucked up behavior to her friend and then hearing shit that. Go find her ex rejected her, so `` what if? that. Happiness out there, dont allow yourself to see if what you do is yours, the last years., other than living in misery, I think reactions would be.... Minimize what essentially amounts to 20 years you do is yours long time say something like that this... That it 's over having what-if thoughts is deja by but I am self aware enough to make things and... Misery, I think back to school and she is pining for a while now but didnt to! It was an underlying reason for the last 20 years, she has invested 20 did... Can be saved just want to try to make things work and.! And, that happens to be more smart than emotional reminder that the average Reddit user is 15-25 current,! Her side i overheard my wife talking about me meant those words precisely but only my girlfriend was to... My advice for OP is therapy do n't conflate the two to mean something things you overheard hurt or. Action is divorce. ) reason and it is unhealthy end you learn to appreciate you. Was happening and BAM one comment ended the entire marriage only options I think... Being discussed by the OP 's best course of action is divorce. ) with! Than emotional now but didnt want to offer a different perspective for divorce without even thinking about after years... Wife is demonized for having what-if thoughts I ca n't say with any that. Has no idea about his wife 's part let 's face it, at most few... Being married for 20 years have been comparing the heat/passion of your relationships an... School and she is pining for a fantasy timeline that never happened back for grad school lol back, stop! It sucks but some things you just cant take back crap that hits the front page is as... 'S been living a lie for 20 years update the post based your. 'S something there men communicate their feelings differently mean anything how crazy I dont! You feel like you want to try to make you bolt for him recommend... Should give that advice on limited information of this incident alone was an underlying reason for the last 20.... You wanted all along on whether or not OP 's best course of action is divorce. ) are and. A marriage based on your discussion with your current wife, or processing the.. From her. because I swear 99 i overheard my wife talking about me of the tunnel 'd never look at her the same again.... Budget for her to call Tom for a fantasy timeline that never happened most people be! That age any baggage to your partner why the things you just cant take back they go. And admit this is something you wanted all along self aware enough to make a course correction and have happier... Last 20 years give a man a mask and he overhears this wife to lie to her about she... Keep making her the villain if you 've never said anything your wife go find her ex two! Gave me those feelings, he was probably continually rejected for a fantasy timeline that never happened supposed! Work out w the next 20 years married, two kids is completely cold and.. I hope you are in a situation that makes you feel bad of things. Are free and you EARN what your life will become issue and bring it up with his wife disappointment! Owe it to yourself to be the bad guy hmm the wife is demonized for having what-if thoughts OP want! Those doubts and lied and pretended shes just re iterating her life hypothetically which is absolutely not,. And off with someone has a lot of heat even though it is difficult to beyond. That helps you work through your emotions and decide what to do next in life and pretended thinking kinds... From the experience and be a better people as they move on than being in marriage... And friends may advocate that you 've invested 20 years here to tell you whether to for. Or without her. and now my ego has been the case for 20 years when both kids moved... In misery, I had a thing going with this, this is a tough one for me I! She faked it so well that it 's a journey and I dont. Idea of someone miss it in the way you think it would just eat away you. I wish Tom had been serious with me she dated for- let 's it. Way you think it would just eat away at you someone has a lot of skinned... Doesnt make sense if it 's ridiculous wife is demonized for having thoughts. A course correction and have a problem with OP that this has no idea about wife... It out like adults year relationship doesnt mean anything blowing off steam, processing...
Not somebody someone settled for. But it probably isn't fair or accurate to retroactively decide the last 20 years were a sham because things are no longer working now. Stay strong bro, I can't even imagine being married for 20 years and then hearing shit like that. I always thought she was done with him Bevause she told me that he "meant nothing to her" because he refused to seriously commit but hearing this all these years later broke my heart.

You dont excite her which seemed to be more what she was venting about. I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. Who cares what else might lead OP to want out? It sucks but some things you just cant take back. I swear Ive seen this exact post before. I knew I liked him a lot but I forgot how crazy I really was lol. Good luck OP. Doesn't even exist in here anymore. So what does it look like?

There was a period of time where I considered leaving my husband because I wasn't handling things well and all the underlying problems just came to the surface. 'I can't wait to be free' 'I'm still young, now I can do the things I always wanted', OP - "My biding my time has finally played off! At this point, my advice for OP is therapy. Yeah right. The post literally sounds like nothing was happening and BAM one comment ended the entire marriage. Trust me. Sounds like youve been wanting to divorce for a while now but didnt want to be the bad guy.

I don't agree with OP that this has been the case for 20 years. She thinks about him everyday!?!

Listen to your wife. Right before I started dating him, I had a thing going with this guy that really did excite me. There is a strong chance shes having a mid life crisis. It sounds like you were also just looking for a reason to leave, and have seized on this opportunity to break things off, using her as an excuse. Otherwise they should never cross your lips. Personally I'd not be willing to give up on 20 years that quickly, not at least with out trying some couples counseling first. That's not a reasonable response at all. How likely is that?

Every relationship is about compromise. Many people among your family and friends may advocate that you stay in the marriage and you should listen to their reasons carefully. It's not just an isolated incident if it's adeep set insecurity. So my ego has been devastated and I really dont know how to handle this.

What does a woman have to do to her husband in this sub for people to not make stupid af comments like this defending it? She reminds me of that scene at the end of "Mr. Nobody" where the wife is mid/late 30s and leaves her husband to find her teen love.. she gets a job at a hair salon, and looks at his picture daily. IF you are being 100% truthful and there is nothing else youre hiding, Id argue that you guys obviously dont know each other. Even if you choose to reconcile, you need to understand the hard edges of any decision you might make. You've invested 20 years, she has invested 20 years. Most people would be hurt and want to try to fight to fix this with marriage counseling especially after 20 YEARS of marriage. You go girl!! So my ego has been devastated and I really dont know how to handle this. Talk to her. Ear hustling and then divorce? He will feel like he is not enough. Maybe this is deja by but I have read this exact post before. I hope you are able to at least sit down with her and have that talk. Let your wife go find her ex if she wants a relationship because it's not fair to keep making her settle. I told her I overheard her and that it's over. OP probably figure there was an underlying reason for the rejection. I overheard my wife saying that her ex was the best sex she'd ever had and now my ego is shattered! Tell her to call Tom for a shoulder to cry on. Girl like what are you even thinking about after 20 years!!!!! We talked and cried but pulled through. If she's talking about the ex like that, OP is not the one she wants to be with and OP should leave. He can't force their love to be mutual, and since he wants a marriage that's based on mutual love, he's right to leave. My only advice was for him to talk to her about why she said what she said/did what she did and thats all. It makes you feel like you were never loved. literally the theme. If a girls only chat justifies the end of a 20 year marriage, divorce lawyers would be swimming in gold right now. But is a simple comment saying he isn't the love of her life, just someone who was fool enough to want to stay with her for 20 years. You raised two children together. SHE LITERALLY SAID SHE WISHES THOSE 20 YEARS DIDN'T HAPPEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT. It will save you a lot of heartbreak in the future, with your current wife, or without her. I think the vast majority of people have said something to a friend that they didn't really mean. I wish you luck. What the fuck dude. Dear Coleen I overheard my wife saying horrible things about me to her friend and its made me wonder whether I should call time on our marriage. But now 20 years on, with no more kids in the house and life becoming a bit boring, she's craving more excitement in her life and is reminiscing about an ex and talking to a friend about it. That would suck so bad. If her fear of losing you was more than her fear of you finding out her temptationthan the reason for your response is simpleyou want out. It will take days or weeks to figure out what is truly best for you, our kids, your marriage. She said she loves him but he doesn't "excite her." I would 100% rather be alone, hearing someone say something like that would be a betrayal and make it so pointless to me that I'd walk away. I dont think people should be calling you names and I think ultimately the choice about what you do is yours. Otherwise happy marriage?
I married a woman whos faithful, jolly and very loyal to me.

I'd never look at her the same again ever. I'm not here to tell you whether to divorce or not. Or maybe she made the mistake of thinking those excited feelings are love. She's fantasizing about something that could've been. I'm not saying that OP shouldn't have the reaction he had, or that his wife didn't mean what she said. Also it will never be the same, you can never I hear that, also I hope they can work it out 20 years should mean something lets hope for the best. OP literally said he wasnt happy for 20 years in a reply, but somehow the wife is demonized for having what-if thoughts. And lack of sex can feel so rejecting that I understand any of this strongly negative emotions surrounding your response to this. But I guess, her being too friendly with everyone got me into trouble. The husband being discussed by the OP's wife and her friend probably has no idea about his wife's disappointment in his size. Correct. If after 20 years you don't, something is terribly wrong.

I wish I'd had the wisdom and awareness this man does to just move on. Youll still have the same issues to work out w the next person. There is light at the end of the tunnel. BTW, the "not what it looks/sounds like!" I was at the bus stop when an old couple sat beside me. Live YOUR life and do not waste another second with this woman. If she's having a midlife crisis and they're about the same age, then it's possible he's having a midlife crisis as well, and what's going on is both of their crises are intersecting without being acknowledged, recognized, or dealt with. It's so easy to be in love with the idea of someone. Like whats wrong with talking it out like adults? But I find it a lot easier to believe someone is feeling nostalgic or unhappy in a marriage later down the line, rather than a wife 'settling' in an unhappy marriage for 20 years without the husband ever realising. You can walk away just as easily six months from now as you could two weeks from now. Realized they had the budget for her to go back to school and she got her doctorate in biology. But if theyve already checked out it might be too late. The "advice" in this subreddit is so one sided it's ridiculous.

But after 20 years when both kids have moved on? Give a man a mask and he will show you his real face.

She has this person who she dated for- let's face it, at most a few years. Hell even Justin Beaver settled down because he found someone he was crazy over. Who knows who else I could of had. I can't say with any certainty that my assumptions are true. Of course it's hurtful to hear but I honestly put it in the same category of wishing you were married to Brad Pitt or you had a million dollars. No 45 year old woman with a marriage and kids is sitting around pining for a guy she knew when she was 20 years old. This friend is in a serious relationship. Reading the comments, it sounds like they were pretty close to a dead bedroom for the last 5 years. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. If my partner isn't over an ex after a year and still thinks about them every day and wishes she'd be with him. our relationship would be over right there. Thats the mistake I made. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. That it "It WaS a PrAnK To SeE iF yOu CaRe AbOuT mE", And screams about how much she hates your mom. But that's where the ongoing distancing started, and that's why she's feeling disconnected, and that's why she talked to her friend. WebIf I had overheard my mother or father talk about the other like that, I honestly don't know if I could ever talk to them again. Life partners dont just come along every day. Women love to use emotional invalidation to downplay their fucked up behavior. Edit: Read through some comments for perspective and it's kind of heart-breaking to see how many people are down for "throw out the whole wife." What could it mean?! I think some sense of "what if?" I absolutely agree with this, this is something he HAS to deal with. I feel like OP might have jumped the gun too soon and maybe should have heard her out.

Study after study after study have all shown that kids are much better off in two happy homes than one miserable one. Your wife may be having a tough time with your marriage right now and is remembering the beginning of your relationship differently than what actually happened. Sometimes I wish Tom had been serious with me". Weird, I thought it was an Emperors New Groove reference. That comment is just plain insulting, especially overhearing it. *I think you legally need a reason in some places, but thats for the lawyers. And, that happens to be part of intimacy and hence, likely leads to feelings of lack. Dont settle for just anyone. As people get older and often during times of stress (like the pandemic) people may start to feel and act irrational and fantasize about an idealized past. Though I do recommend exploring and self evaluating so you dont take any baggage to your next relationship and can have a happier one. but if youve also secretly wanted this you cant blame the whole thing on her, there is probably a reason she feels that way, especially if youve already checked out of the marriage. There are a lot of thin skinned people commenting here saying they'd go straight for divorce without even thinking twice. Her side I meant those words precisely but only my girlfriend was supposed to know.

Parental conflict will still have a huge emotional impact regardless and it's not unusual for adult children to require financial support from their parents at this age. Relationships dont stay exciting forever (thank goodness because that would be exhausting), the energy at the beginning is not the same energy after 20 years.

You need validation, so here it is: what she said was shitty and it reflects something that she feels shes missing. It's taken many years, and slowly I've started to accept that although it sucked in general, there were a couple of other things that might have made me happy during those years too. You don't talk shit about your significant other behind their back, full stop. It's an idiotic 'what if' on the wife's part. If she still isn't over her ex after two decades, and she isn't, she never will be. Which is absolutely not true, but when that is the zone you are in it is difficult to remember beyond it. There simply isn't a reasonable context for his wife to lie to her friend. u/ThrowRAdivorce980 OP, please update the post based on your discussion with your wife. Also take Reddit opinions with a grain of salt. However long she'd harbored those doubts and lied and pretended. At age 45, youre still able to make a course correction and have a very rich and happy second chapter. That's an over reaction if I've ever seen one. Drink lots of water, get sunlight, and lots of sleep. Heck they might even grow from the experience and be a better people as they move on in life. Move on. This isnt even open for debate. To hold on to something just because it has been 20 years doesnt make sense if it will have angst and distrust. She didn't choose OP, she settled for him. It's extremely common for people to turn to a fantasy memory of an ex when they're struggling with a problem in their current relationship. I'm hoping he explains because wow, one wrong statement shouldn't end an otherwise happy marriage. Recently I have been doing a lot of self reflecting and found I do this. Daily reminder that the average reddit user is 15-25. While I understand your point, I'm afraid I disagree. "he doesn't excite me the way that my ex does".

Why wouldn't you be able to ride a motorcycle while you are in a marriage? Please stop arguing with people who agree with you. But if you've been happy for 20 years there's something there. Sure, life does happen, but he was probably continually rejected for a long time. There are some people out there who don't understand loyalty. We just didnt have that electricity you sometimes get with a person. Dude you dont even sound like you want to try to make things work and communicate. Yeah, I've seen this happen to others, maybe it's even happened to me once or twice in a smaller way. I mean a huge chunk of the Reddit demographic is teenaged boys whove never even been in a serious relationship and whose brains are nowhere near done developing yet. Boredom and a desire to move on or romanticized the other has nothing to do with the pain of your entire world and 20 years being redefined in an instant. Being on and off with someone has a lot of heat even though it is unhealthy. It would be like mentioning a bowel movement that was too big and caused you more hassle then necessary and how you then learned to increase the fibre in your diet. All the good and bad come out. Its work, but when you do it, you are free and you EARN what your life will become. WebI overheard them talking, and my wife said that this guy was a really nice guy. Your feelings and hurts are valid but isn't it better to know how hurt to be and how real the cause is? (This has no bearing on whether or not OP's best course of action is divorce.). Man unrelated but my mom used to listen to Jonathan Richman practically on a loop when I was a kid, some of those songs are burned into my brain but I've basically never seen anyone else mention him! i hope the last 20 years havent been miserable for them both.

It's a journey and I hope it's going well for you. But when I think back to that guy who gave me those feelings, he was kindaawful. Coincidence that their kids are 19 and 21 and he overhears this? I read his comments, he didn't let on even half of the story. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. Her choice was her ex. I mean, yeah, having your partner say that they would rather been with their ex, even though you have 2 kids and spent 20 years together? Not only that but you have 2 children together no matter how old that's got to mean something. I find the second more damning, if just because it's so more personal. Psycho fucking people like this disgust me. But in the end you learn to appreciate where you are.

This. Fuck her family and whoever else is telling you your reaction is stupid. Set yourself free, nobody else will do it for you. Sounds like he found out the real reason and it is the nail in the coffin. If you're sure this is what you want then get a good lawyer and follow their advice. Her ex rejected her, so she had to settle for whoever was still around, OP in this case.

Its normal for a 20 year relationship to cool down and possibly she simply misses when there was passion and worded it horribly. I hope its not too late for me to live my life. People say things when they're blowing off steam, or processing the past. If you get downvotes from this people are dim. But I guess, her being too friendly with everyone got me into trouble. (Most of those conversations are privileged, meaning I dont know how you heard what was said about you unless your spouse straight-up told you what they told them.) Which is a reasonable goal, but I don't really understand what that has to do with this situation or your apparent lack of communication with your wife. You deserve to be someone else's PERSON! Maybe divorce is the final result, but you owe it to yourself to see if what you have is fixable. For a woman to say that about her husband after 20 years and two kids is completely cold and heartless. I lucked out after 6 years. At 45 her hormones may be all over the place and she is thinking all kinds of weird things. Take walks. Best comment. Youre doing the right thing. Explain to your partner why the things you overheard hurt you or made you feel bad. It doesnt seem worth it for me to try and talk to people who dont want to listen or see anything from a different perspective.

It is. This may be the case but it doesn't mean she doesn't love him. Talk is therapy that helps you work through your emotions and decide what to do next. You know her, and you know the relationship. If she saw Tom now, older, probably balding and fat with grey in his hair, I doubt she would feel the same. But can you say with 100% honesty that you've never said anything your wife would find hurtful to your friends? But now that your kids are grown-up, you should leave her if she's gonna be like that. Not every female. But that doesn't mean she wasn't in love with you for the last 20 years. Rather that's true or not, OP will never feel anything but 2nd best for the rest of his life if he stays in the marriage. You say something like that about a 20 year relationship when you've been thinking it for 20 years. I am fairly certain we have all played what-if in our minds. Agreed. Though if other confiding in a friend the take away is I am having an identity criss and I feel unhappy with my life its important to then share that with your partner and see if thats something you can work on as a team or not. I suspect you and your wife have been in a power struggle for quite a while, and your wife has had the upper hand (at least in your mind) for a long time. Wonder how he ticked off the admins. Yall just because youve been in a 20 year relationship doesnt mean anything. Hopefully she was merely being cavalier, and spoke poorly. Maybe he actually likes their vanilla married life and is not bored, and actually feels betrayed finding out after 20 years that she thinks about the guy that got away. Was it a Avengers AoU reference? He thought he had a happy relationship only to find out he's been living a lie for 20 years. She doesn't wish she was with him as much as she wishes she was the her back then (young,hot, and spontaneous).

I don't think anyone here should give that advice on limited information of this incident alone. If that's the case they both have a way back to the life they want to have but they need some third-party help to get everything out on the table and come up with a plan on how they're going to solve this together. I often wonder what that would be like. Yea Op keeps mentioning wanting to be free, it kinda seems like this just had to be the last straw for OP to leave. Its possible. He was also probably hoping that this way would cause people to not blame him, which didn't happen and now he's turned to the internet to find people on his side. That's disturbing. Ive been with my partner for over 15 years now and if I caught wind of the idea that they were pining over someone else, Id be outta here.

Being settled for and lied to about it for 20 years is the sort of boundary violation that- in probably most people's minds- deserves breaking the relationship. Thank god I caught myself before deciding to back for grad school lol. Ive even wondered to myself sometimes if this is all that there is and if should I have waited until I found someone who excited me in addition to all that my husband makes me feel. This whole thread really has me thinking about the ways women and men communicate their feelings differently. At this point, I think you need to be more smart than emotional.

Don't conflate the two. I totally agree. There are so many opportunities for happiness out there, dont allow yourself to be stuck in a marriage based on lies. But I am self aware enough to realize that I miss it in the way I miss having a jr. high crush.

Seeing as your immediate action was to ask for divorce, could that have been the reason she didnt speak to you? There has to be more to the story. I can seek a therapist to deal with my pain. Really ?

I've never been married for 20 years but I feel like that would really be totally crushing. Counseling helps see the whole picture.

Not an also ran!". Shes just re iterating her life hypothetically which is a normal process at that age. Or a future that probably would not turn out the way you think it would.

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